So, I decided to create this blog, mostly for myself. I am not one to sit down and journal, but after posting a few updates about my husband Ryan on his caringbridge websitehttp://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ryanheckenberg , I found it therapeutic to write and get all my feelings out.
A brief summary, my husband, Ryan, is 29 years old and we were high school sweethearts and have been together 11 years and married for 7 of those 11. Ryan has battled ITP in the past and we went through that journey together in 2004 and he relapsed in 2007. Now Ryan has "extensive" blood clots in his brain and this is our new journey. On the ride with us is our two little girls. Hayden who will be three in April and Ally who just turned one in December.
I remember sitting in the hospital room with Ryan at Good Sam and of course I looked awful. My eyes were swollen from crying so hard for days and just feeling the pressure of Ryan's seizures and having that emotion of being so helpless. I was so helpless, I couldn't do anything for him. I wanted so bad just to take his place, I wanted to give his body a rest, I wanted to punch someone in the face, I was just filled with so many emotions.
One of the nights I had this overwhelming sense of coldness and I knew, I knew right away, Satan began his attack. I quickly prayed and told Satan to go away and Jesus would make me warm again, and sure enough I was warm again. It was hard for Satan to get to me that night, but I assure you he tried.
I've now come to acknowledge that my biggest fear in this is loosing Ryan. I sometimes wake myself up in the middle of the night to watch him sleep and make sure he's still breathing, something I did all the time when the girls were just little tiny babies. I get so sick to my stomach thinking of doing this alone and Satan knows that and he plays on my fears. I battle Satan minute by minute and I am so lucky I have friends praying for me and helping me through this.
A friend of mine gave me some good advise, first she said talk back to Satan, yell at him if you have too, which I am. Second, thank God in advance for healing Ryan. Wow, what a concept right? Thank the Lord for doing this, I love it, what a great thought and it just shows that I am confident He will heal him. I know the Lord will heal Ryan, I know it, in my heart of hearts I know our life will return, but as of now, I continue to walk by faith and on eggshells.