Defeated

I have been feeling very defeated the last few days. I constantly look around and I do count my blessings and I am SO very grateful for the moments I have with all of my loved ones, but I thirst for more. I thirst for answers, I thirst for comfort, I thirst for guarantees, and I thirst for life. I want to sit down and plan a family vacation and not have to think about the what ifs or the health of Ryan. I want to plan five and ten year goals for us and I want to picture my entire lifetime with Ryan.

Ryan told me last night that he feels pressure on the back of his head and the vein on his forehead is starting to pop back out as it was during the months leading up to the stroke. I really can't describe my reaction. On one hand I felt so worried and anxious and on the other I felt like of course it would be too good to be true that the clots are going away, you knew they weren't. That's not our luck or our life. Nothing has ever been easy for Ryan and I. Especially in the case of health, we've never had an easy answer to anything medical.

Sorry to be throwing the pity party and I might just have to uncover that cake in the refrigerator and let the celebration begin! It's like a constant feeling of loss of control. I've never been good at delegating or admitting I need help, that would make me defeated, and that's not me. I do find comfort in knowing that so many people are still praying for Ryan and helping us through this, so that's great to know and great to see. Please just pray for Ryan and us. Thanks.